We are not Broken. There is Nothing wrong with us. We have been trained by the world to disconnect from our true nature and true selves. We do the best we can with what we know. Like a Ferrari with no steering wheel, we can go fast & look great, but we can’t get anywhere. Consider the following information.
Data compiled from national statistics
Think of the most cruel punishment our penal system ever devised. That would be solitary confinement. That’s right…the worst torture, if I can use that term, we could imagine was to lock a person in a dark box all alone. The horror of being alone was used to deter inmates from misbehaving. It worked. It was also labeled inhumane and has been mostly banned. Let’s explore, though, the very basic human fear of being alone. We are terrified of being with our self. The lack of connection, the disconnection, is our worst conceivable experience. WOW.
Depression affected about 6.7% of the U.S. adult population in 2016 according to the National Institute of Mental Health. That’s about 16 million people over the age of 18. Mental health experts classify at least six types of depression and say there is no single cause of it. Not to challenge the establishment, but I see a single commonality. The lack of connection. Sad and depressed feelings are very normal. We can become depressed in the grieving process – mourning the loss of a loved one, a connection with a person lost. Other common life experiences can cause temporary depression – divorce, empty-nesting, estrangement – all are the result of a disconnection. So prevalent is depression today that more Americans suffer it than heart disease, cancer, and HIV.
Victims of intimate partner violence often isolate themselves. A third of Americans, male and female, report experiencing domestic violence in their lifetimes. Almost half of those report having the exposure before the age of 25. Unfortunately, the statistics we commonly hear is that most are women because so few men actually report it. Victims, especially male victims, feel an overwhelming sense of shame. The physical, emotional, and psychological abuse lowers the victim’s self-esteem. The legal and social systems are skewed toward female victims which leaves male victims in hopeless situations. To speak up literally means a man must surrender his machismo. With nowhere to turn and no confidence to change the situation, male victims are more likely to hide in silence and shrink into isolation.
Suicide has become the 11th leading cause of death and is committed by FOUR TIMES more men than women. The leading contributor is depression which has been linked to more than 60% of all suicides. According to the US Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration, survivors of intimate partner violence, aka domestic violence, are TWICE as likely to attempt suicide. Domestic violence is about maintaining control over the victim, so it is no surprise that most perpetrators have malignant personalities says Ruth Glenn, Executive Director of NCADV. These are the most hurtful people causing the most destruction to another person’s self-esteem. The results can be as traumatic as experiencing war. In fact, there is a new classification of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that soldiers commonly experience. Victims of abuse at the hands of partners suffering Borderline Personality Disorder are exposed to trauma over and over as the abuser cycles through. This leads to Complex (repeated) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Suicide rates within sufferers of PTSD and CPTSD are astronomical.
Suicide has become the 11th leading cause of death and is committed by FOUR TIMES more men than women. The leading contributor is depression which has been linked to more than 60% of all suicides. According to the US Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration, survivors of intimate partner violence, aka domestic violence, are TWICE as likely to attempt suicide. Domestic violence is about maintaining control over the victim, so it is no surprise that most perpetrators have malignant personalities says Ruth Glenn, Executive Director of NCADV. These are the most hurtful people causing the most destruction to another person’s self-esteem. The results can be as traumatic as experiencing war. In fact, there is a new classification of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that soldiers commonly experience. Victims of abuse at the hands of partners suffering Borderline Personality Disorder are exposed to trauma over and over as the abuser cycles through. This leads to Complex (repeated) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Suicide rates within sufferers of PTSD and CPTSD are astronomical.
All sufferers, silent or audible, are faced with a decision. To change their circumstances they will need to turn inward, look deeply within themselves, and confront their reality. Unfortunately, that is one of the most difficult things we humans do. It is unbearable to admit our own faults. To admit we are lying to the world as we walk around pretending everything is just fine. Instead, more often than not, we choose to sedate. We’d rather preoccupy our minds with mundane tasks or events than deal with the harsh reality. We scroll endlessly through our social media feeds living vicariously through everyone else’s fake posts. We binge episode after episode of the latest mindless programing. We bury ourselves in our work. We will do almost anything, for pleasure or pain, just to avoid the facts. We disconnect from reality and miss the chance to actually live.
Some take the escaping to a whole new level. It is common for those with extremely difficult conditions to literally check out of reality. They get black out drunk to avoid the little voices saying how awful life is. They will inject anything to leave this world for as long as possible. I have read a great many writings about addiction and feel too much focus is given to the choice of addiction. It isn’t about the alcohol or the drugs or the porn or whatever is chosen. These are vehicles of escape. Attacking the reason for the escape, the disconnect or detachment, is the key to ending the addiction. Nonetheless, these sufferers replace the lost connection with a superficial one and put their lives at risk. They will risk self-detriment to avoid reality.
“Men are more likely than women to use almost all types of illicit drugs, and illicit drug use is more likely to result in emergency department visits or overdose deaths for men than for women. “Illicit” refers to use of illegal drugs, including marijuana (according to federal law) and misuse of prescription drugs. For most age groups, men have higher rates of use or dependence on illicit drugs and alcohol than do women.”
We live in a remarkable, unique age. We are connected, at least superficially, like never before. Our degree of separation is shrinking exponentially. We all know someone who knows someone we know. We are connected globally without obstruction. Digitally we connect with virtually anyone at any time without constraint. Yet isolation and detachment have reached record highs and are quickly becoming a pandemic. Walk down the street and notice nothing but the tops of heads. Walk through a crowded mall and notice how uncomfortable everyone is making eye contact. How is that possible?!? The simple answer is we traded personal connection for instant gratification in the digital age.
How many times have you asked yourself, “Is this all there is?”; “Why am I here?”; “What’s wrong with me?”; “Why do things always happen to me?”? How many times have you looked back on the destruction in your life and wondered what happened or what you could have done differently? Have you felt alone even in a crowded room? Have you felt lost even when things seemed to be going alright? You’ve experienced emasculation. You have felt neutered and numb. Powerless is your personal hell. You’ve been frustrated and angry just making due. You’re sick and tired of not having more…of working so hard for so little. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Millions of men across the country and the world are experiencing the same void. You see we have been trained to be manipulated and self-destructive. Since we were young boys we’ve been told our masculinity is wrong and we should turn away from it. Countless lessons have been served up to create a male prison. We are told our only purpose is to Protect, Provide, and Problem Solve. Nothing more. Be quiet about your feelings. Serve others before yourself. Gender roles have been skewed. Family roles have been skewed. Women and men are confused about their roles and relationships. We do what is expected of us first, and if we deviate we are quickly labeled and scolded.